You know you have a cheap HMO when...

You Know You Have a Cheap HMO when . . . 1.  You request a prior authorization for Viagra and they mail you tongue depressors and duct tape.

2.  Your doctor has moved into a trailer park.

3.  Their idea of a cardiac stress test is your doctor performing a breast exam with ice-cold hands.

4.  You request a prior authorization for a new allergy drug and they mail you a pack of generic tissues with instructions for making nose plugs. They also suggest you give your dog and cat to your Vietnamese neighbors.

5.  Your doctor submits a prior authorization for your gastric bypass surgery and they mail you a roll of wire with the threat that if you don't use it to wire your jaw shut and lose at least a hundred pounds in the next year, they'll triple your premium.

6.  The only specialists listed have names you can't spell or pronounce and they obtained their medical licenses from sketchy institutions in Mongolia, or worse yet, on-line.

7.  Your new doctor has more pending lawsuits than Continuing Education credits.

8.  The specialists listed to perform your colonoscopy are also listed in the yellow pages as "Doug's Roto-router service."

9. Your doctor insists you get your yearly Pap smear buck naked, as she can no longer afford to buy paper gowns. Or KY jelly.

10. You wake up from your gall bladder surgery sprawled face first in the hospital parking lot.

11. Your HMO is the only one the Department of Insurance has ever rated Z-minus.

12.  You call the Customer Complaint Department and are greeting with the following message: "Due to an unreasonable number of calls from Whiney-babies like you, we cannot answer your call. Leave your name and number and we'll try to get back to you sometime in the next six months."

13.  Your labor is so painful you request an epidural. Instead, they bring in a CD of breathing exercises and encouraging words such as, "You play, you pay!"