Dumber than a Squashed Zucchini (part IV)
Two in the morning and my beeper goes off. I grope on my nightstand for my reading glasses, beeper, and a flashlight. I see the number and groan. Bob. Again. I pray this conversation will be less tawdry than the last one I had with his bar pick-up. I dial the number and brace myself for who knows what.
"Uhh, Dr. Burbank? This is Bob."
I attempt to stuff my surly attitude. "How can I help you, Bob?"
"I want the name of a new neurologist."
He wakes me up at two in the morning for that? Couldn't it wait til morning, when the office opened?"
I remind myself Bob can't help being stupid and I am called to behave like a Christian, even with the dim-witted. "Why do you want a new neurologist? Dr. So-and-So is the best in the city."
"I don't like her no more. She's got a bee up her butt."
I roll my eyes. "What happened, Bob?"
"Alls I did was call her tonight to ask one simple little question and she jumped all over me. Yellin' and a'hollerin' and a'screamin' that I had no business waking up a doctor just to ask a question that could have waited til morning. That I shouldn't call her again unless it's an emergency."
Guess he didn't get the message because now he's waking me up to complain about her!!
On and on he rants. "I just wanted to ask her about that new seizure drug they mentioned on the news. Wondered if it would be a good drug for me."
I take a huge breath and count to fifty to avoid yellin' and a'hollerin' and a'screamin' at him. "First of all, the drug has only been tried on laboratory animals. It hasn't even been tested in humans, so it's not FDA approved."
"But they said the drug looks promising. . ."
I interrupt. "For laboratory animals. Are you a rat, Bob?" (I have to go simple with Bob.)
He laughs. "No."
"Then I wouldn't take it. Besides, why would you want to change medications? You haven't had a seizure in years."
"Just thought I might like to try something new. . ."
Something new? Like a new flavor of ice cream? Or a new haircut? How about a new brain--one that knows enough not to wake up two doctors in the middle of the night to ask about a seizure drug for rats!