Dumber than a Zucchini Squash (part VI)

Good ol' Bob has an endearing quality--he loves cats! To the tune (make that yowl) of over 150 cats in his lifetime. He even knows the name and description of every one. In part V, you learned about Trixie, his ornery Siamese, that scratches and hisses at everyone who enters his trailer. He calls it his "guard cat." One day, Bob came up with the brilliant idea that Trixie might make a stellar addition to the Department of Homeland Security. "They use dogs to sniff out drugs and bombs, why not cats?" So Bob got a sewing friend to design a bright yellow cat sweater appliqued with bold black letters that read "HOMELAND SECURITY." Add black knitted booties and a three-cornered black hat and Trixie was dressed to the nine (lives, that is.)

If you can believe it, Bob actually brought Trixie, donning her yellow sweater and hat and booties, to the airport and asked to meet with the Head of Homeland Security. There, he volunteered the services of Trixie for our nation's security. Of course, the head honcho had no idea Bob was serious. He laughed, slapped Bob on the back, and complimented him on the hilarious cat outfit. (Thankfully, he knew enough not to pat the yowling, hissing beast; no doubt Trixie's already ill-tempered disposition was only made worse after enduring the humiliation of wearing such a ridiculous get-up in public.)

Since the Department of Homeland Security wouldn't take him seriously, Bob brought Trixie to his local police department. Surely they would jump at the chance for a "free" security cat. "I wasn't going to charge 'em or anything. I just thought Trixie could be taught to sniff out drugs."

Right! Just what every police precinct needs-- a yowling, hissing, piddling, scratching, cantankerous feline! Needless to say, the police chief politely declined Bob's offer claiming several of his officers were allergic to cats.

When Bob offered to bring Trixie to my medical office so patients could ohhh and ahhh over her, I told him to bring pictures instead--I didn't think OSHA would approve of a vicious cat prowling around the office!