The Most Popular Doctor in Town

Ever wonder how medical students are taught Pap smears and pelvic exams? I mean, what woman in her right mind would volunteer to be a medical student's very first attempt with a speculum? The answer is, NO ONE! Thus, medical schools are forced to hire brave (and broke) women to guinea pig themselves to fumbling medical students who flounder through their first Pap Smear and pelvic exam. The women are told in advance to provide feedback so we students can learn if we are palpating too hard or using too large a speculum. I was nervous about performing my first exam, but my friend Jeremy was eager to learn the skill; he wanted to become an Ob-Gyn so he knew a gentle but thorough exam was critical to his success. Intent on perfecting his technique, he repeated the exam several times on his paid patient. Just when he thought he’d mastered the skill, his patient cooed, “Oooo, honey, keep that up and I’m gonna have to bring you home with me.”

He yanked his hands away from her genitals as though they were made of sulfuric acid. His face flushed redder than the body parts he’d been examining.

The woman, an audacious stand-up comedian by profession, released a bawdy laugh and waved a hand at him. “Honey, you’ll be the most popular doctor in town.”

About now, Jeremy wanted to dive into the dirty gown hamper and burrow deep.

She smirked. “Oh don’t go getting all embarrassed on me. I just thought you ought to know before some old prude files a complaint with the State Board for inappropriate sexual conduct.”

His eyes dilated in horror. Complaint with the State Board? Maybe he should switch his specialty from OB-Gyn to General Surgery.

She touched his arm. “Hey, cheer up. If you decide this doctoring thing 'ain’t yer cup of tea,' you’d make a marvelous gigolo.” She released another raucous laugh and added, “Honey, you ever need someone to practice on, give me a call.” She then burst into boisterous laughter, amused at her own humor.

Jeremy was not amused--he was mortified! Where did the school find this outrageous woman? A brothel?

From that day forward, Jeremy endured endless razzing from all of us about his special “touch,” and we all dubbed him "Dr. Fingers."