The Funeral Parlor Director's Embarrassing Day

James Montgomery owned the largest funeral parlor in his county. A respected business leader and Deacon in his Baptist church, he strove to keep his reputation impeccable. But a lifetime of brittle diabetes had taken its toll—James had developed impotency to such a degree even Viagra proved, well, impotent. His urologist suggested an inflatable penile implant that could be pumped up immediately before sexual relations with his wife, thereby allowing them to continue the sexual intimacy they had enjoyed for decades.

James consented to the procedure and while still recovering from anesthesia, the nurse demonstrated how to inflate the implant until he obtained a strong erection. Finally, he could re-claim his “manhood.”

Once the incision was fully healed, he was excited to try out his new “sex toy.” He surprised his wife during the lunch hour one day with flowers and sexy new lingerie. Delighted with the romantic gesture, she moseyed into the bedroom. James inflated the implant exactly as the nurse had instructed him and the couple enjoyed an intimate lunch hour together.

Ready to return to work, James realized with horror that he couldn’t remember how to deflate his now fully erect penis. He fiddled with the dials and levers and looked frantically through the hospital discharge papers for instructions. No luck. Worse still, the urologist’s office was closed for lunch and this was even the doctor’s day off. What was he going to do? He had a funeral to officiate at 1:30 and he couldn’t very well show up for the funeral with a fully erect penis bulging out of his pants. He’d look like a pervert showing up for a funeral fully aroused—people might think he got his jollies from dead people!

James attended the funeral and tried his best to keep his privates covered by crossing his hands in front of him. He thought he’d escaped detection until his co-worker—who knew about the implant—whispered to him, “Don’t they have a release valve on that thing? You can’t walk around a funeral parlor stiff as a board. It isn’t good for business.”

James wanted to crawl into a coffin and slam the lid—anything to escape the humiliating stares. His co-worker suggested he take the rest of the day off or cloister himself in a locked office and make phone calls!