The Best Doctor in America

I recently received a letter from the "National Institute of Medicine" informing me that I had been chosen for the Institute's prestigious "Award of Excellence." Despite not graduating from an Ivy league medical school, not publishing a single research paper,  not graduating in the top ten percent of my class, and not discovering a cure for cancer or a vaccine for AIDS, I am supposedly one of the nation's top internists. "Congratulations,"  you say! Not so fast--it appears, my prodigious honor comes at a price; a mere $500 would buy me a "lifetime membership" into this "highly esteemed society." For another $99, they'll send me a lovely plaque to commemorate my "distinguished" status as a member of their "elite" society. Right! If the Institute is so "renowned" and "esteemed," how come I've never even heard of it? They are clearly trying to fool me into thinking they are the National Institutes of Health, which is highly esteemed. I shook my head in disgust when I read eight thousand idiots, excuse me, doctors, had already been "inducted" into this joke of a medical society! I'll bet the publisher laughed his way to the bank (and kept a copy of the book to know who NOT to consult if he ever needed a reputable doctor!)

Do they think I'm a complete moron? And if so, who told?

Awhile back, I received another letter congratulating me that because of my "superior doctoring skills," I had been chosen as "one of the top internists in the nation." My name would be listed in their book, Who's Who in Medicine. If I wanted to obtain my own leather-bound edition of the "keepsake book" to grace my coffee table and "enjoy for years to come," I'd have to fork out $149, plus shipping. Enjoy for years to come??? Do these people think I'd sit around reading names of doctors for an evening's entertainment? Talk about a sleep-inducer!

I'll bet every doctor in the country received the same letter I did, and only those with ego issues or insomnia bought the dumb book. A more apt name for the book?  America's Dumbest Doctors. Or better yet, Who's Who in Gullible Doctors.

Now if they ever come out with a book called, America's Most Attractive Doctors, I might be interested; there's no way I'd ever achieve this honor short of dishing out big bucks for liposuction or bribery!